I'm a nasty bitch....

Another pregnancy announcement......woo frigen hoo

:*(

I hate this head space, why does waiting for your own belly fruit bring you to such a dark space?

This time, the calling home of your child spirit, should be as magical and filled up with love, as the growing of your little being and birthing them into your world.

You should be capable of feeling genuine happiness and excitement when you hear of news of others new life growing.

You should.

But I'm not.

With each announcement, there's a horrid sinking feeling in my chest, a tightening, a sense of loss.  

I didn't lose a baby, a friend gained one, it was meant for her, not me.

Yet, with each announcement, I feel as if somethings wrong....the stalk dropped off to the wrong house!

My little by is turning 2yo in 20days.  

That's two whole years he got of our solo attention.  I no longer feel guilty for pining for more, I don't feel I am wronging him by wanting to add to our family, but I am now sensing a stirring feeling of not wanting him to be on his own.  

I want him to have a sibling, many siblings!

I want him to have a little student to teach his wisdom to, a hand to hold as he walks around the garden, warm little arms to cuddle into, eager ears to listen to stories with.

I've always seen our little family as not so little at all...big enough to need to upgrade the car, upgrade to a bus even!! lol

So, where are you spirit child? Muma's right here, waiting....