Hard pill to swallow....

Being bitter is not something I like to admit to, and especially don't like experiencing, but I am.  I am so bitter, and it's hard to swallow.

I am having a particularly shite day today, and the bitterness just tastes even more sour because my husband(who you would hope would be the first and most concerned to notice this) didn't even have a friggen clue.

I hate that this mood has sunk so quickly that everything, every little thing today, is making me feel bitter.

Two main points are the real bitterness....and as always they're both about friggen babies.  I say "friggen", coz I'm so damn sick of a subject that should be beautiful, make me feel so crappy.

Thank goodness that I have developed the worlds biggest amount of patience when I became a muma, coz I never have and hopefully never will, take any of this out on JackJack.  But, in saying that, he has been wanting feeds soooo much today that as I sit here and try and accommodate each and every time, I'm cursing in my head and wishing he would be distracted long enough by anything else to leave my boobs alone for a longer stretch.  Thankfully he doesn't realise this, coz I'm still smiling and cuddling and stroking his head, but deep inside I'm screaming for a break.

Things I'm bitter about can't be fixed up....loosing babies, and not conceiving babies.  Yeah yeah, I know that can be fixed by conceiving, but it doesn't change the void in the time already past.  It doesn't change how much I hate that Jack has spent most of his life with a muma pining for more, rather then just appreciating what she has.  It doesn't doesn't change the fact that I'll probably never conceive twins again, leaving us out of the multiple world that I was so longing to be a part of.  It doesn't change the fact that everywhere I look right now is pregnant women, in their own little world of pregnant activities, another world of wonder that I don't get to share....not right along side them anyway.

I'm so friggen deep in this ditch I dug today, that I've emailed the contact for tonights bag pipe practice to cancel my spot(just for tonight).  Knowing I'm short with people in this mood, I don't like being around people who don't know me.  I don't want them thinking this is me.

So anyway, after  post this, I'm off to my sisters, on my mums insistance that I go for company and to talk.....my sisters where her twins are.  I hate this.  You know it already family, I'm not telling you anything new, but these twins....as different as they are to mine...are confronting.  How I wish this bullshit feeling would just piss the hell off!!!!!

The things is though, I don't want any of you to stop sharing, it's an internal struggle and stopping the twin and preggy talk would just turn this crap in me into another pile of shite, of feeling left out even more coz you fear sharing your joys.