My inner voice hates me...

Technically, we have now been ttc for 18mths. 

I say technically because some of that time was just spent winging it with no contraception and leaving it up to the gods to decide, not actually going at it like rabbits and testing ovulation, etc. 

We never went back onto contraception after our baby, because we knew we wanted a close age gap, but fait has stepped in and decided we infact do need a decent age gap!

Last cycle I decided I'd had enough of the coldness of ttc.  If you've been down this journey for a length of time, you'll no exactly what I mean.  Sex stops being about the romance and merely another sperm deposit! lol  You get to the point of not being in the mood but doing it anyway, for the sake of conception. *shudder*

I realised today, a good few weeks after first pondering putting baby making on hold, that I really must want that break because I've stopped taking vitex.  My subconscious has made the decision for me it seems, because I can't recall knowingly not taking them!

I am ok with the break, happy would be too strong a word, but I am at peace with the decision.  Partly also because I have been exploring some activities I would love to do with Jack, now that he is more active, that I just couldn't imagine being possible if I had another full pregnancy of all day sickness.  So my devoting more solo time to our first born puts a positive on this negative.

I say negative, because my inner voice is making it so.  She hates me.  She is seriously doing my head in!  I would have been comfortable to put ttc on hold earlier had it not been for her persistant negativity.  (Please, dear reader, don't read mental illness here!! I'm just talking about the thoughts you have in your head that challanges your everyday decisions)  My inner voice had me convinced that I was a failure because some Muma friends with younger children then Jack were already cooking bub no2.  My inner voice was trying to make me think this was some sort of race....race to conceive, can't let the Muma's with younger children get knocked up 1st.  She had me thinking awful thoughts about fellow Muma's trying to conceive that had not been trying as long as us, that it had better be my turn first.  She's now telling me that having a break might knock a baby off the end of our family...the further you stretch the family out, the less you'd have before you hit menopause.  But then, while still happily ttc, she told me every month I got my period that I didn't try hard enough, but I needn't bother because I probably am infertile now anyway. 
She is nuts! She is driving me insane.  I just want to slap her!  I want her to step outta the shadows of my head and give her a good kick up the butt! lol
My inner voice is an evil little minx.  Seriously, is there a mute button?